Transcript:Quartermaster Appreciation Day
David: All right, I've had it up to here with all of you! And I didn't even think that was possible! Max: What?! David: This is the 4th time this week you've all been rude to our dear, dear Quartermaster! Do you think he likes being suspended from the ceiling against his will? QM: Do not speak for my interests. David: I think it's high time you treated him with respect! Nikki: I mean, we left his pants on! Gwen: Come on, kids! This is shitty! Even by your standards! David: Which is why today is no longer Wednesday! But the first ever "Quartermaster Appreciation Day!" AND Wednesday! groaning Now, I want each of you to go out and find - or make - a gift that truly exemplifies your love and admiration for our hard-working groundskeeper! QM: I have given you nothing to revere. I will betray you all when the opportunity arises. David: (ahem) Quartermaster, to try and show you just how much I care about you- QM: You'll be first. David: -I went out and found the best gift I could think of! Your last living relative! Well, the last one the government knows about! QM: You did what now?! David: Come on in! Neil: I think I'm gonna be sick! Max: Is that-? David: Yeppers! It's the quartermaster's quartersister! pukes David: Well? QM: YOU GODDAMN BITCH I TOLD YOU TO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME QS: YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY LIFE I DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT! David: Uh, Gwen, what is happening?! Gwen: No clue, but if the Kardashians have taught me anything, I think we can make a TV show out of it! QM: I'LL KILL YOU THIS TIME, WHORE! I DON'T MISS TWICE! Gwen: We can definitely make a TV show out of it! Ohhhhh {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) There's a place I know that's tucked There's a place I know that's tucked away, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) A place where you and I can stay! {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) Where we can go to laugh and play, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) And have adventures everyday! {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) I know it sounds hard to believe, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) But guys and gals it's true, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) There's endless possibilities {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) And no, that's NOT hyperbole! {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) Our motto's "Campe Diem" and that means I'm tellin' you {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) We've got archery, hiking, search-and-rescue, biking {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) horseback, training-that-will-save-you-from-a-heart-attack, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) scuba-diving, miming, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) football, limbo, science, stunting, pre-cal, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) spaceships, treasure-hunting, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) bomb-defusal, no-refusal, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) fantasy, circus-trapeze, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) and fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) and knives, and chess, and dance, and weights, {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) It's Camp Camp! {QM and QS continue arguing in the background) and QS still arguing Max: David, what were you thinking!? David: I don't know! I thought reuniting long-lost family members was a thoughtful and sweet idea! Neil: I mean, didn't you do any background checks? Ask her any questions? Gwen: Oh! We should totally do a background check on these freaks! They've probably got loads of illegitimate children! David: Ok, maybe I should've done a little more research beforehand. But now, we have a chance to give Quartermaster an even better gift! An end to this silly family feud! Neil: I dunno, David... I think there's just some things you keep in the family. Take it from me. My parents HATE each other, and you don't see these two trying to fix it. Nikki: I ain't touchin' that garbage fire. David: Well, I happen to believe that love conquers all! And there's no greater love than the unconditional love of family! Max: How are they even related again? QM off-screen: Cousins fucked. David: Oh, dear! Alright, kids! You go find some nice gifts for your quartermaster! I'm gonna take these two inside! Y'know, away from your... vulnerable ears. Ered: Ugh. What are we even supposed to get that weirdo? Space Kid: What about this metorite? Neil: Space Kid, that's clearly a rock. Nikki: It's perfect! He'll love it! I love it! You gotta get him something else. Nerf: Ugh. This is gonna take forever! Max: Not if we cut some corners... Let's just break into the Quartermaster's store! We can see what kinda weird shit he already has, so we can figure out what kind of weird shit he wants! Preston: But... No one's ever dared to go into the Quartermaster's store! Max: Oh, please. How bad could it be? Neil: I want you to remember saying that 5 minutes from now when we're scarred for life. David: Quartermaster, Quartersister, We've brought you both here today to try and talk through whatever issues the two of you seem to have with one another. Quartermaster? Why don't you go first? Um. Yeah! Okay, good start! Quartersister? How does that make you feel? Okay. Well, I'm out of ideas. Fortunately, Gwen here ran a series of tests that she assures me are used by professionals everyday to help heal and resolve problems. Gwen: Yeah! Professionals like Maury and Dr. Phil! Now, the first one I have here is that neither of you have to worry about STDs! Because you both have all of them. There are no new ones for you to get. That's disgusting, I secretly love it, you both should be ashamed of yourselves. QS: They named one after me! QM: Pfft. One. David: Uh. Well. Congratulations! QS: I don't care what you tell me about him. I ain't gonna talk to this bastard man! QM: Good! Cause I ain't gonna talk to you neither! QS: Ya just did! QM: God-durnit. She just got me again. Boy! Tell her I ain't gonna be doin' no talking with her none more. David: Um, he says that he doesn't wish to speak with you any- QM: Say it how I said it! David: Uh, he says "He ain't gonna do no more talkin'!" I just can't. It's too mean and grammatically incorrect. QS: Don't you insult my kin's grandma! Why, he's the poet of the family. His words always did make my seat wet! David: Ok, next test, please. Gwen: Right, right, right. Sigh Quartersister? You... are not the father! Because apparently, you're a woman? Which - full disclosure - is something I find more surprising than anything on these tests. QM: 'Course she is! You tellin' me you've seen a beauty finer than her before? QS: Snort QM: Hell. If it weren't for the goddamn tontine, I probably would've gotten down on one knee ages ago. David: What's a tontine? QS: You don't mean that. QM: With all my heart and soul. Gwen: Oh my God! I can't believe they went there! Oh my God. I can't believe they went there... David: And they're still going. Max: Huh. Looks a lot smaller on the outside. Nerris: Oooh! Like the TAR- Max: Shut up, Nerris. Max: Anyone find anything? Neil: I found some used Barbie dolls. Preston off-screen: Used?! Neil: You're gonna wanna trust me on this one. Harrison: Oh! I found a jigsaw puzzle! That... Only has corner pieces? What? NIkki: I think I found something too... Max: What is it? Nikki: Hair... Max: What? Nikki: Yeah, just... hair. Neil: Is it labeled or anything? Nikki: Yes. Huh, this looks familiar Max: That's less unexpected than I would've liked. SK: Oh, maybe there's something in here! MASTER MUST NOT BECOME WHOLE AGAIN Huh, that was weird. Max: Okay, new plan. How about we just regift him his own stuff? Nikki, grab the bag, I guess. Harrison, bring the puzzle. Neil, leave the dolls here. Neil: Oh, don't worry. They're not going anywhere. David: Max, Max! I think we have a problem! Max: What, the fire? David: No, the- wait, what fire? Max: Oh, forget it. This sounds more interesting! David: Oh, it's horrible! We've gone too far! It's- Max: That? David: Yeah. That. Max: Guys, I know we've done some fucked-up things before, but I think this takes the fucked-up cake. Gwen: Yeah, I was all about this at first, but it has gone WAY too far. Can it just go back to being Wednesday? I miss Wednesday. David: Guys, ya know what? Maybe we're missing something. Max: I'm intentionally averting my eyes to try and miss as much of this as possible, yes. David: Not that. Well, that too... No, I'm talking about the fact that this is Quartermaster Appreciation Day. He does so much for us to keep this camp functioning and well, if this is what makes him happy, Then goshdarnit I support it. Max: Are you seriously telling me that you support that?! David: Yes. QS: Tasty. David: Nope, nevermind. Can't do it. It's just... GOSH, it's just wrong. QM: I got good news. David: You've started regretting recent life choices? QM: We're getting hitched. QS: I'm gonna hitch you! (same space kid) David: Whoa now, you're getting married? QS: Yep. And it's all thanks to you! Red knees! Max: Is this even legal? QM: What's all this biz? Neil: Uh, at this point I guess... Wedding gifts? QM: You got me my favorite kind of puzzle. I feel so... Appreciated. David: That's- great! Second idea! How about you two really take a little bit of time to really think about this? Separately. Really far apart. QM: What has been set in motion cannot be stopped. Even if we wanted to. QS: Which we do not. Preston: Aww! David: I... I... I... No... QM: I'm gonna feel like a new man. QS: Me too! Neil: Oh, right. The fire. Nikki: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. David: Should we- do- something? Max: I'd like to think the universe already is, David. Gwen: What the hell just happened?! David: And where's your quartersister? Is she ok? QM: She is where she's meant to be. Max: So, is she like... dead? QM: Maybe. Or maybe she's more alive than ever before. Two down, one to go. I'm gonna win that tontine, tell you what. Max: What the fuck is with that guy?! He's such a fucking weirdo! Like, were we supposed to learn something from all of that? Neil: Yeah. Don't mess with fucking family! Unless you want a fucking-family. Max: I kinda hope she's dead. 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